Family

Name Calling

Call me Caitlyn. Call me Ishmael. Call me Irresponsible. Call me maybe. Don’t call me Shirley! But back to Caitlyn….

Jenner’s transformation is astonishing. The Vanity Fair cover is astonishing, as Jenner has been the physical representation of our cultural gender references for male and now, female. I couldn’t help but wonder if despite her phenomenal physicality and youthful appearance (and name), is Jenner showing her age by not showing her age in such an extraordinary manner?

First names go in and out of style (in America), with each generation. With cultural diversity, we have seen a dramatic shift in first names over the course of the last generation. Traditional anglo names are among a much broader array of names today. First names have traditionally been signifiers of gender, ethnicity, tradition, family, and sometimes era. Of course, we name others, except when we tweak our own name with a preferred nick-name.

Traditionally, a woman’s surname changed to her husband’s family name upon marriage. The surname identified the clan. The children would have the same surname as the father (and mother, until recently). This was always the assumption (until the1970s), with the exception of artists and performers. Even before the feminist movement of the 70s, women in show business kept their own last names. (Lucy Arnaz is the daughter of Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz. Lucille Ball was not known as Lucy Arnaz!) The 70s brought hyphens and choices about names that were previously not mainstream. And of course, we were introduced to Ms.  Women didn’t have to be identified by marital status anymore—just like the guys.

For women, choosing a name for themselves (or keeping their birth names) was (is) empowering. Names became choice and autonomy, even when the choice is to share the spouse’s surname. It is not automatic anymore, just as a woman’s identity is more than a relation to a spouse (or lack thereof).

Our shameful history of denying and degrading cultural roots through assigning new names to slaves and to immigrants is important. Names have stories and significance and are choices—sometimes assigned; sometimes self generated. It is only in the last generation that we have seen tolerance for names (and recognized our cultural intolerance to cultural differences).

But we still judge names. Names are our credit. We still have associations that we make upon hearing/seeing names. We may be more tolerant, but we still form opinions (consciously or not) and/or have associations almost instantaneously upon hearing/seeing a name.

And gender identification (and what that may imply) is still very much a part of our encounter with the world. We may not realize the extent to which we experience the rest of the world in terms of gender. You may read articles differently, based on the writer’s name. I intentionally use a gender neutral name—Lou. I prefer to explore ideas as gender neutrally as possible. Gender informs our lives, but seeing beyond gender and our cultural constructs allows us to expand—to see beyond ourselves.

Back to Caitlyn….Jenner’s extraordinary transformation as seen on the cover of Vanity Fair with the headline, “Call Me Caitlyn”, was striking beyond the gender change. She identifies with the most girlish aspects of being female, and the most culturally retro. I understand that this is her debut, and of course the culturally feminine signposts are going to be accentuated, but I wonder if this is also somewhat generational. As we become more expansive of our understanding of gender, and the much broader experiences of gender over time, name calling will surely change more dramatically in future generations.

B’More

The Gray Matter–The matter of 25 year old Freddy Gray’s death from a severed spine after being in police custody last week, has inspired peaceful protest for police reform, as well as outrageous violence, rioting, looting and arson. Gray was arrested by Baltimore Police 2 weeks ago. What exactly happened after he was taken into police custody is unclear, or at least unanswered to the public. The issue of police brutality has been painted in black and white, and the recent high profile cases of deaths occurring at the hands of police officers has much of the public outraged by excessive violence from the police.

The police departments have suggested that these tragedies have occurred within the confines of the law, and that violent suspects,or suspects near violence, have caused the police reactions. Kill or be killed. Is it just the rogue cop or two (in each precinct)? It’s got to be more than that.

Those who say that they understand the rage underneath the current violence in Baltimore because there are no longer decent jobs due to globalization, must be younger than I (and/or unaware of history). I was born and raised in B’more, and lived there until I was 17. Baltimore always seemed deeply segregated to me. Racially, economically, ethnically…..and there was a terribly impoverished inner city long before globalization. I moved from Baltimore in 1981. It was always an extremely dangerous (and sad) place to me, despite its other charms. There are beautiful areas, historic, cultural, quirky, and also the hideous stuff that provided the stories for “The Wire” and “Homicide”.

It is easy to lump all the recent police brutality incidents together; all these racially charged incidents together; impoverished areas with high crime rates together. There are indeed similarities and patterns.There also seems to be an unwillingness to acknowledge the entrenched tragedies on all sides: thugs who are cops and thugs who are not cops; an entrenched system of economic failure and a culture of violence; lack of vision; lack of hope; lack of change; lack of leadership; lack of decent homes, schools, or jobs; not being more.

The violence following the protests and funeral for Freddy Gray yesterday were disturbing and sad, but sadly, not unfamiliar nor unexpected. We wanted B’more to BE MORE. We want all of our communities to BE MORE for all of us. We want our police to BE MORE for all of us. We want our elected officials to BE MORE for all of us. We want our schools and medical facilities to BE MORE for all of us.

Maybe the takeaway from B’More is just that. Be More than your circumstances. Be More than your fears. Be More than your anger. Be More than your habits. Be More than your desires. Be More than you’ve been, or than you might have been. Be more for all of us.

Prequel

I can’t wait until Sunday night. I have been eagerly anticipating being swept away into another world — looking forward to the past.

Sunday night is the premier of Better Call Saul, the prequel to Breaking Bad. Aside from looking forward to revisiting rich (and hilarious) characters from one of the truly great tv shows, and getting to watch the art that is the combination of great writing, directing and acting, there’s something compelling about a back story.

We love prequels–the stories written after, but that take place before, the stories we already know. Think: Godfather II, Wicked, Gotham, to name a few very successful prequels. These are the backstories of characters whom we originally met as adults in other stories, with qualities that made them distinctive. The prequels give us the stories of circumstances and relationships that gave rise to those distinctive qualities and formed those characters.

When watching or reading a prequel we already know what will happen years later. Many prequels, however, are less satisfying than the works that preceded them. It is a formidable task to re-create all the elements that worked so perfectly in preceding forms. It can also be confusing to talk about later works that are supposed to predate earlier ones, because in real life, we presume that the present includes all the knowledge and wisdom and information possible to make our circumstances the best possible.

In real life, we’ve seen a blowback to those who seem to live in a prequel to 2015. The 2015 outbreak of measles proves that vaccinations have been one of the crowning achievements of science of the 20th century. The measles vaccine has been available, albeit in different forms, for 50 years. Measles and other illnesses that once regularly killed, have been mostly eradicated with the use of vaccinations. But vaccinations only work if everyone uses them. In the 21st century, some have chosen to live a prequel–a recreated fiction that does not include the actual (scientific) knowledge that exists to date, but without considering consequences to others (who live in the present). The current outbreak suggests that those who have not vaccinated their children have actually contributed to this current outbreak of measles.

I understand the fears and questions relating to vaccines and other medical interventions. We have learned from medical mistakes (e.g. thalidomide, among others) and the concerns that we over use antibiotics and other medications and interventions are valid ones. That doesn’t diminish the essential value of antibiotics and vaccinations. They are life saving, and in the 21st century, their use and antiviral use, as well as other immunological interventions will evolve to be more individualized and precise so that they can be more effective.

When we read and watch prequels, we are always aware of what will ultimately happen. We have the most up to date knowledge and wisdom that the characters in the prequel don’t have. I am looking forward to watching the prequel of the character who looked like the ultimate ambulance chaser with his Better Call Saul ads on Breaking Bad. In real life, I am looking forward to the 21st century sequels to 20th century medical breakthroughs, and encourage those who seem to prefer the prequel, (those who have rejected vaccines), to consider their choices in the context of public health and safety. We already know the consequences.

Background Noise

I don’t remember giving THE TALK. I talked way too much for my kids (and my students). Ask my kids (biological or school related)….if I talked constantly. I was always talking about issues, right and wrong, behavior, respect, race, gender, sex, emergencies, dignity, acceptability, responsibility, apologizing, looking, listening, communicating, points of view,circumstances, choices, consequences, health, safety,community.

THE TALK used to mean ‘The Birds and the Bees”. Lately, THE TALK has been referenced with regard to racial profiling. Many parents of older kids or adult children have commented about having to give THE TALK to their non-caucasian children. Recently NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio commented that he had to “train” his son (who is biracial) to be very careful if encountered by a police officer.

I had always assumed that all parents, regardless of race, taught their children, regardless of race or gender, to be low key with the police. Teaching acceptable behaviors toward authority figures as well as from authority figures was part of the job of parenting and educating. 

Likewise, when those in positions of power abuse their circumstances, they need to be discussed and challenged . These are constant conversations. We must keep talking about right and wrong, personal responsibility, safety, and all the other non-sexy stuff that kids hate hearing about, even if they don’t want to talk about them.

The dual outrages of racism and sexual abuse that are far too frequent, must be talked about. How is there still so much confusion? THE TALK, must not only be these conversations, but must be connected to so many other issues.

All my talking and talking may have seemed like background noise to kids, but I am confident that they actually heard and got the messages. Noise essentially disrupts. We need to disrupt the complacency that is not only disempowering, but dangerous. These conversations are the background for creating clarity and justice and hopefully, safety.

Conversations about racial profiling, criminal behavior, abuse of power, sexual behavior, etc., are necessary before kids are 18. Considering different points of view and potential misperceptions are necessary for clarity, and for avoiding unintended consequences. We need to provide some cacophony for our kids, regardless of their backgrounds. They need to know how to be responsible to themselves and to others.

The young woman who is wearing sexy clothes is not asking to be raped, nor does she deserve to be raped. The young woman who is drunk is not asking to be raped, nor does she deserve to be raped. Certainly, the young woman who is passed out, who can’t ask for anything, does not deserve to be raped. We still need to tell our daughters and sons that this happens; that people take advantage in so many circumstances, even when they can get away with criminal behavior. We need to talk to all boys and girls, men and women. These are conversations for everyone, and should be part of everyone’s background.

It is not THE TALK. It is the environment of healthy agitation; of regular reminders and questions, pointers and examples to disrupt assumptions or matters that kids may not think matter to them.  They matter to all of us, and all children and adults need to practice thinking critically and being aware of consequences–even unintended consequences.

We all had some background noise from our parents and teachers. Some of us are noisier than others. If only certain talks are had at certain moments between certain people, we are all missing out, too often to dangerous results. A singular talk needs to become more pervasive, like background noise that we can all hear regularly.

Week End

Executive Action on Immigration

GOP indignation

Bringing on the litigation

It’s Friday in the Greatest Nation

 

Prepare for violence

After Grand Jury silence

Following Ferguson defiance

That’s this week’s guidance

 

America’s Dad

They say he’s a cad

No response was bad

After all he had

 

In the Mid East nightmare:

Beheading by Isis– as per their dare

Israel mourned those killed in prayer

How much more can humanity bear?

 

I even feel sorry for Buffalo

Where I lived several years ago

Folks are used to a few feet of snow

But six feet at once is quite a blow

 

It seems like more than just a week gone by

Since I cried from lovely Madame Butterfly

But the daily news dramas keep the supply

Of disgust and anxiety at a constant high

 

Perhaps a museum will be this weekend’s tonic

Or an outdoor concert, ideally symphonic

A cultural escape from that which seems chronic

And ever present in this age electronic

 

 

Maybe the weekdays make us embrace

Those whom we love and that which we chase

On weekends time moves at a different pace

To restore ourselves and create more space

 

As next week’s news and dramas unfold

We’ll concern ourselves with what we are told

It will seem more important than that which is old

But what counts is what we do with that which we hold

Back Up

When I was a young child, I wanted to be a Supreme. Beyonce may indeed be Destiny’s Child, but I was more interested in The Miracles. Sure there was Diana and Smokey, but before they were American idols and icons, they had Supremes and Miracles.

The back up singers were us! I wanted to join them singing harmonies and vocals that complemented the lead singer’s melody. Back up singers were a pair or a group of fabulousness, rhythmically moving in sync, ooohing and aaaaahing, repeating key words and phrases, connecting the lead vocals to the rest of us.

There’s something interesting to me about The Supremes and The Miracles, beyond suggesting divine intervention in their lead singer’s voices. Surely they had to have terrific talent, but I think the groups that included the back up singers in the names of the groups, remind us of the importance of terrific talent beyond the front person. This is true in any organization–from families, institutions, agencies, companies, or any group. Harnessing excellence in every role makes the real difference.

We have a tendency to focus so much on individuals and leadership roles, often to the detriment of healthy organizations. Great leaders are great not only because of their vocals (what they say, and do), but because they have talent that supports their efforts. Too often, we forget to hone the skills for back up singing: a great voice; willingness to work in harmony; supplementing and accompanying the theme; learning the choreography for the production; complementing the lead vocalist, bringing the work to perfection.

Imagine if we gave employees, students, volunteers, care-givers and any non-leader who is charged with responsibilities, the expectation of being supreme or a miracle! Imagine if we sought out a work force comprised of stellar back up singers–using their well trained voices in concert (metaphorically speaking).

Now we have crews –not Supremes or Miracles, and without the expectation of significance and talent from those not in the spotlight, we not only lose excellence at all levels, but we mute important voices and diminish leading voices.

So many of our institutions have been crumbling from within, and without capable lead singers. Perhaps The Supremes and The Miracles were of their time. We don’t emphasize the back up singers very much today, but I still love being a back up singer (metaphorically now). There’s great importance and reward in generating support, and encouraging others to move with the tempo and sing along. Talented lead singing will be brought to excellence with talented back up singers. Start enrolling those supremes, and making some miracles.

Where Goes the Neighborhood?

It’s hard to beat Rodney Dangerfield’s epitaph: There goes the neighborhood. He took his self-deprecating humor with him all the way to the grave.

Of course, neighborhoods are for the living. While the thought of a cemetery as a neighborhood is rather humorous, the thought of a neighborhood becoming a cemetery is harrowing.

Neighborhoods without “neighborliness” are perilous. Neighbors are people in communities in close proximity to another set of people, but being neighborly implies friendly attitudes and behavior; or at the very least, not destructive attitudes and behavior.  The shortened slang term for neighborhood, “hood”, emerged from violent inner city areas. Dropping the “neighbor” from “neighborhood” implied much more than an abbreviation.

For the past few weeks, we have been following horrific crises caused by violence in Ukraine, the Middle East (ISIS, as well as the current conflict between Israel and Hamas, “Operation Protective Edge”), and in our own hemisphere, kids fleeing Central America on deadly journeys hoping to reach safety and their parents in the USA. These crises have been building for some time, but the unbearable circumstances causing the current crises seem too overwhelming to fathom, much less resolve adequately.

The horrors in all these crises are devastating, and the conflicts seem intractable. Hoodlums have military grade weapons and local power. Those neighborhoods are fast becoming cemeteries. While I am grateful to be living in a peaceful neighborhood far from these crises, it is still immensely disconcerting to consider the prevalence of terror and violence and disregard for humanity.

Most of us, however, teach our children to be good neighbors; to show respect and caring. We teach our children to extend this respect to others. “Neighbor” becomes a concept beyond proximity. We seek acceptance and friendship, or at least cooperation.Being a neighbor is not a unilateral proposition. Being a neighbor necessitates co-existence.

History has been fraught with violent conflicts between peoples, borders, nations, states, drug lords, territories, ideologies, and various sub-categories. History has also been made by neighbors; building communities, and rebuilding them after destruction.

A cemetery is not a neighborhood. Neighborhoods are for living–built and maintained by people committed to law and order, allowing for freedom from oppression and maintaining peaceful co-existence. It is distressing and sometimes paralyzing to watch as terrorists,tyrants and all sorts of thugs turn neighborhoods into cemeteries. Neighborhoods require care and attention. We must insist that leaders dismantle the political, organizational and military machinery that oppresses and violently destroys lives. While the neighborhood watch continues, we must also regard not just where we live, but how we live. How can we ensure peace, freedom and security for our children and for our neighbors’ children? They are never really that far away.

 

 

238

They say it’s your birthday. Well it’s my birthday too, yeah…..Yes we’re going to a party party…. (The Beatles)

 

Two Hundred Thirty Eight years after declaring independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain,we have plenty of wrinkles and show signs of aging, and our weight has been redistributed over the years (and continues). We’ve also developed a rather cranky disposition, particularly over the last decade. Maybe it’s the constipation.

But, it’s our birthday and we’re gonna have a good time. We’ll get as much red white and blue stuff as possible, because nothing says freedom from oppression like buying stuff, unless it’s from Hobby Lobby and other businesses, where owners’ religious views on contraception allow them to not have to provide insurance coverage for contraception for their female employees.

Remember when we were younger, and our minds (and hearts) were smaller, and we didn’t demand that businesses serve everyone equally? It was wrong and needed to be corrected. We had another milestone this week– It has been 50 years since the Civil Rights Act of 1964 was passed. Much has changed in our 238 years, and mostly for the better. But forgetfulness often accompanies aging and stress, and lately we seem to have forgotten how to be the United States of America.

The ironically named Citizens United Supreme Court ruling in 2010 and this week’s Hobby Lobby case, have empowered those who seek to define personhood beyond living persons. Moreover, actual individual human people are considered less significant than those claiming personhood.

Like the adolescent who seeks to express independence from adult authority through insolent, obnoxious or sometimes violent or potentially harmful behavior, the reactionaries focus on themselves and claim oppression. This includes the open carry gun toters, who rant about their constitutional rights to protect (or just own guns) while clearly presenting weapons, which are indeed threatening. This is not the essence of independence, nor of the United States of America.

There was a bright spot this week, however, that spoke to the essence of independence and the United States of America. Tim Howard, the aptly named “Secretary of Defense” goalkeeper for team USA at the World Cup, was phenomenal as he blocked 16 shots from our Belgian opponents. Americans love a hero and love individuals. We rooted for our team, but they couldn’t score a goal. Still, we found a hero in the independent performance of Tim Howard. Let’s not forget, while Howard’s skill and determination were singularly executed, it was all for team USA.

When independence is for the greater good—for team USA(and beyond)– then independence is worth celebrating.  They say it’s your birthday. Well, it’s my birthday too, yeah…. we’re going to a party party…..

Shaken. Not Stirred.

Breaking News: Gunman kills student in school shooting. This is any day, USA. Yesterday it was the Las Vegas “anti-government” shooters. Over the weekend, three people were killed and 20 were wounded in shootings in Chicago. That’s one weekend in one city. You’ve seen the newsflashes. The horrors seem to be more frequent. There is more hysteria when the shootings are suburban or in schools (or malls or movie theaters). What was once (or twice or thrice) regarded as an anomaly, has become a daily news story. Yes. DAILY.

We are being terrorized. This time it is from within. We have always been a violent society, struggling to overcome violent impulses and histories. We have  also always cherished individual liberty, but wrestled with balancing individual freedoms with public safety and well being. As more groups of people who were historically disenfranchised have greater access to social, economic and political equality, individuals who feel threatened or disenfranchised have become more emboldened and, in too many instances, violent. The violence is not only self-inflicted, but too often the shooter’s personal drama becomes the unending pain of so many others directly affected by the seemingly random madness. The shooter’s disconnection from humanity may not resonate with many others who would probably reject violence, but the shootings reverberate and shake us to our core.

Even sadder, it seems as though the only ones who are stirred are the disaffected. For those who are driven by madness, we need to make it harder for them to act upon violent fantasies. Where is the leadership? Tweets and petitions may stir some folks into demanding change, but more serious legislation is necessary. Where is the outrage? What does it take to stir political leaders to act?

Nostalgia and Other Ailments

I’ve been thinking about the word nostalgia lately. We tend to consider nostalgia as a warm and cozy feeling– of the sensation of comfort food, or at least comfort in that which was. I’ve been saying the word aloud to myself. It doesn’t sound like comfort, though. It sounds like an ailment. In fact, the suffix -algia means pain: Arthralgia (joint pain),Myalgia (muscle pain), Neuralgia (nerve pain), Fibromyalgia (widespread musculoskeletal pain and fatigue) are the most common -algias, except for the all consuming cultural ailment, Nostalgia. The closest association with pain might be homesickness, although we use the term nostalgia differently, and with decidedly positive associations. Perhaps nostalgia connotes a sense of childhood home, but it is often used more broadly as an evocation of affection for the past, which is remembered as being better than the present. If anything, nostalgia, rather than evoking pain, has an almost analgesic quality.

 

Technology has enabled increasing nostalgia, as film preservation and digital imaging has become more pervasive over the last few decades. Being able to revisit the cultural sign posts (especially through movies and tv,as well as restored audio/music), and the availability to watch and listen at any moment, has given us an unprecedented human experience of engaging with the past. We can not only remember and recall experientially, but we can watch and see and hear in the present while emotionally connecting to an experience not of the present, but of the past. Moreover, it feels anything but painful. It is comforting and often joyful. It is an escape from the pains of the present. In fact, our current high-tech culture allows us to dwell in the past and create an idealized version of the non-present. Nostalgia is selective memory that mutes pain. Perhaps the -algia suffix that refers to pain, is the pain of life that we seek to escape through selective memory or false memory.

 

The ever availability of accessing the sights and sounds of another time has been entertaining and relaxing, but it has also had an insidious effect of distorting not only time, but reality. Nostalgia has begun to infect our progress, by simplifying complex (cultural) organisms and processes that unfold over time, and deluding us into glorifying a time and/or place that didn’t have our current burdens.

 

Some have a distorted sense of nostalgia, which includes a perverted concept of culture and history. Lately we have seen and heard outrageous bigots caught revealing their hateful views. Whether it’s Cliven Bundy or Don Sterling, or F. Glenn Miller (who went on a shooting spree at Jewish Centers and killed people who were not even Jewish), or Paula Deen or George Zimmerman, these now infamous bigots, along with the many not so famous bigots, are the outliers (albeit too many in number) who have yet to evolve from or even understand the virulence of selfishness and hate. Even odder, many who claim that racism is a thing of the past because we have civil rights laws, indulge their own outrageous hate fantasies with the cognitive dissonance that allows them to see themselves as not-racists, but just as individuals with individual preferences. Of course, they often couch their personal beliefs in the good old days that never really existed. This is distorted nostalgia that infects.

 

Like the resurgence of Whooping Cough and Measles, once terrible diseases that were relatively easily eradicated in childhood through vaccination, bigotry and hate are making a comeback, and lately seem to be rather virulent. Scientists have expressed concern that those who have not vaccinated their children against terrible childhood diseases have contributed to recent outbreaks of these diseases, thought to have been nearly eliminated. The idea that one’s own preference or experience is all that matters, and the notion that there is more at risk today than ever, are the kinds of distortions that allow even a minority of people to inflict immense pain and difficulty upon others.

 

This wave of Libertarianism/hyper-individualism in the age of the Internet, combined with a fondness for nostalgia which emphasizes only what one finds delightful or of his/her experience, and disregards the rest, ignores the complexities of science and history, as well as cultural health. Re-examining protocols of the past, and ensuring that laws and practices protect the most vulnerable and the public at large, is an ongoing worthwhile pursuit. However, we can not retreat to nostalgia, which, although pain relieving, is distorting, and for some, ignores serious complexities that demand our attention to keep us healthy.