Parents

Emptynessed

From the moments of my children’s births, parenting has always been love. There has been such warmth and joy amid times that were frustrating and anxiety producing. Sometimes scary; sometimes maddening; sometimes hurtful. It has always been truly unconditional, and the most profound love.

I never wanted to be the imposing parent or the martyr. I have been both,despite my better intentions. Being mindful of my children’s proclivities, I wanted to encourage their strengths and find ways to have them strengthen their weaknesses, and ensure that they would become caring,thoughtful,responsible,giving adults. I can’t ensure anything, but I am optimistic. They live in a sub-culture that shares those values, even if those standards aren’t always revealed to the parents.

When they each left for college, it was bittersweet. It was time. Some parents stay tethered and feel as though they must communicate constantly and know all about their emerging adult children’s lives. I confess to having mixed emotions about that. Despite wanting to hear more about their lives, I respect their independence, and have always been amazed by their independent streaks. The kids have embarked upon their own journeys, and those college years were a transition time for them, as well as for us parents.  We have branched out as adults, but as parents, we have not stopped thinking about our kids, and find them endlessly interesting. We know that this is not the case for them.

We adjusted quite well to the empty nest. It was our time again, while they were having their times. We could focus even more on work and community and other projects, as well as our relationship, and our adult concerns could just be dealt with, rather than having to choreograph around the kids (sometimes unsuccessfully). When the kids would come home, there was a bit of readjustment. The unconscious habits of childhood and adolescence were instantly triggered–in both parents and children. Although more tempered and measured than during adolescence, there was still that sort of semi-trustful listening (or non-listening) that existed as an undercurrent. It was a habitual listening (or non-listening) that had yet to be fully transformed. Despite the facts that each of us has been working and learning and evolving, as a family we were on auto-pilot.

It is natural and common to experience this awkward stage. Parental roles are dramatically different at this stage, but so too are the emerging adult children’s roles. They may be oblivious to their parents’ lives, but their parents not only have an empty nest, but also an emptiness. Parents need their children. My need for my children is beyond ego; it stems from my heart and soul. It is basic and profound love. When the ego needs, it is anxiety producing. When the soul needs, it is the experience of love (and the emptiness that accompanies absence). I have been feeling empty-nessed. It is not the need to have the nest filled up, but to have my heart filled up. When I think of their absence I feel empty-nessed. When I think of them, not what they are doing or the distance, but just as people, the people I adore most, my heart swells and the emptiness fills with love. It is from this state that relationships can flourish and we can evolve. More than filling an empty nest, having space for the totality of the person–pure love–the emptynessed becomes transformed.

Going Upstairs Backwards

There’s nothing like pain to make us aware of our habits. Spasms redirect our attention to clenched muscles that seem to control us, rather than the other way around. Shooting, stabbing, burning, stinging, throbbing, aching,  hurting, sore…pain. Sometimes mere discomfort distracts us from our automatic lives, and asks us to pay attention. Agony is overwhelming, and suffering is more chronic misery. But the regular discomforts often steal our focus and energies, and ask us to do something different. With a different focus, we may adjust our posture or stance, or where we sit and how we proceed.

This is true of any sort of pain. Physical, emotional, psychological, existential pain asks us to attend to the sensation. We often get stuck when confronted with pain. Too often we compensate with unintended consequences. Sometimes we  consciously ignore the signals, as though giving in to a toddler’s temper tantrum will reinforce the tendency for eruptions. It is often hard to know how to deal with discomforts and pain so that they are  not reinforced or cause other damage. Some people wallow, others martyr, most numb themselves. Dealing with discomfort and pain as a lesson, is often reduced to avoidance.

Over the last 10.5 months, while strengthening myself physically, and taking the time to better manage my physical health, I decided to write. With no timeline in mind, or even a  roadmap or GPS, I wanted to experiment in a way that I had never attempted before, and create conversations. Forever committed to strengthening parenting and family life, education, Culture and culture, and healthy homes, schools and communities, I learned that I could be  critical  while optimistic. Moreover, I could learn from everyday discomforts and sometimes pain and even agony, both my own and societal, that there are always lessons. In looking back over the essays that span less than a year, I am reminded of political events and societal changes that, for some, were painful or uncomfortable . Some moments have been liberating culminations of long, painful battles that now demand societal realignment. Some moments seem to be flare ups of old wounds or negative habits. Time seems to move more quickly than it used to as we are exposed to so much more information at lightening speed, and it is easy to forget moments that affected us–that gave us opportunities to not merely get over the pain, but to learn from it. In reflecting upon the last 10.5 months, I am amazed at what is possible in less than a year. Some pain is chronic; some acute. Discomforts are inevitable, but as we redirect our focus and energies, and adjust our postures and stances, and even where we sit and how we proceed, we may not only mitigate some pain, but move ourselves further ahead in ways that we may not have even considered.

With a recent flare of back trouble, I have been having immense pain sitting and in many positions. Walking up the stairs has been another difficulty. This is not a new situation, but like most aches and pains (and worse), the situation flares from time to time. This time, I decided to try walking up the stairs backwards. It takes me a little longer (not much) and at first I needed more support. But I get up the stairs now! With fewer spasms! Of course looking back one sees how far one has gone, but more than that, sometimes looking at where we were and how we held ourselves and then tweaking it, allows us to be in a better, more comfortable and healthier position to elevate ourselves.

Guys’ Guise

Timothy Egan wrote an op-ed in today’s New York Times (January, 17, 2014) offering a thoughtful response to Brit Hume’s recent comment that Chris Christie is merely a “Guy’s Guy”–an apparently endangered species.

You may have heard Brit Hume, that is, Senior Political Analyst Brit Hume of Fox News, refer to Governor Christie’s problem. It’s not that he’s arrogant, paranoid, testy, bullying or too blunt for the P.C. culture. It’s just that he’s an “old fashioned guy’s guy” in a “feminized” world — an endangered species adrift on a floe of mush….

…He said, “By which I mean that men today have learned the lesson the hard way that if you act like a kind of an old-fashioned guy’s guy, you’re in constant danger of slipping out and saying something that’s going to get you in trouble and make you look like a sexist or make you look like you seem thuggish or whatever.”

I appreciate Egan’s clarification and answer to a particular concept of masculinity (which  Brit Hume, et al. equate with strength):

If you say something that genuinely offends women, it’s not because you’re a brawny dude, speaking freely, or even standing up to the culture patrol. It’s because you’re insensitive to people in general — the daughters, wives and mothers of many a manly man. Or, at the least, it’s because you’re outdated, like showing up for work at a tech company with a cellphone the size of a shoebox.

What has been missing from the discussion, however, is the subtext that being “feminine” or our supposedly “feminized” culture is an insult. “Masculinity”, whether defined by Brit Hume, Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, or articulated through Chris Christie, Phil Robertson (of Duck Dynasty fame), Sarah Palin, or many others who seem to defy the laconic male icon of yesteryear, seems to refer to a particular paradigm that they conflate not merely with gender, but with strength and superiority. Calling someone “a fag” or a behavior “gay” is meant to be insulting in this crowd. Small mindedness, is somehow rebranded as assuredness and strength. In this crowd, it’s bully for the bullies! Shooting from the hip is preferable to being hip–which, to the “Guys”, is just a feminized subculture of spineless socialists. In that universe, there is not a ying-yang balance of energies that we call masculine and feminine, each with attributes valuable to the health of humanity. It’s right and wrong (wrong = left, feminized); strong and weak; makers and takers. These are the masculine and feminine types of that world. In that world of “Guys and Dolls”, guys play with dolls.

The guys’ guise is feigning strength and security through righteous impasse. They not only feel threatened, and reject even their own possible evolution, much less the evolution of culture, (not to mention nature), but suggest that that which they describe as feminine is what undermines them. The ideals of strength and honor are not gender specific. Moreover, gender is beyond biology. It is a cultural construct, and like it or not, cultures evolve.

Our job as parents and educators and citizens is to build a better society and a healthier culture that elevates and broadens. Under the guys’ guise, being a loudmouth or intimidating is just being a guy, and guys are now victims of this henpecked culture. The guys’ guise is not really political (although it could easily be construed as such). It’s cultural. There are small minded people everywhere, and thugs and trolls left and right. Strength is not a guy issue. It is not the same as intransigence. Flexibility is not a gender issue. The habits of mind (and culture) that include thought, reason, consideration, reflection, flexibility, appreciation and expansion build strength. That’s not a guy thing, despite the guys’ guise.

Making Change

What do cashiers have to do with The March on Washington? It’s probably not what you think.

As a child, I was regularly asked to walk to the neighborhood market a few blocks away to get some groceries for my mother. The grocers knew my family, along with many others in the neighborhood. Still, my mother taught me to always check the receipt (and give it to her), and she taught me how to make change. If the items totaled $17.45 and I gave the grocer (or cashier) $20.00, I had to know how much change I should get back.

As a young child, mental math (as we used to call it) was not my forte. In early elementary school we were taught math facts. We were drilled with flash cards. It was basic memorization of addition and subtraction, and then, multiplication tables, soon to be followed by short division flash cards. As one who never had a flair for remembering numbers or dates, or memorization at all, this mental math approach was arduous and mostly problematic for me. Yes, I did force myself to learn elemental math facts, but I was utterly turned off and avoided whatever I could. At least I did learn the basics. I learned that I had to subtract: $20.00-$17.45= $2.55.

But subtracting in my head (especially when I was quite young) was likely to lead to careless errors. So, my mother taught me how to make change. Essentially, she was teaching me that I could add instead of subtract. I remember struggling with the concept because I didn’t get that I was merely doing addition instead of subtraction. It just seemed like a magic trick that it all added up. Then, when I got the concept of counting back change from the total to the amount I gave, it was no longer like a magic trick–just magic in the way that something perfect seems magical.

Flash forward several years, and cash registers become calculators. Cashiers no longer  need to do anything but make sure that if the cash register says $2.55 change,  they can count the correct bills and coins. They do not have to figure out the change. For a generation now, cashiers have not had to do any math beyond counting what they are told to provide. On the occasions when I do make cash purchases, I am always dumbfounded that cashiers don’t (and often can’t) make change. They can’t figure the difference. There’s no human agency in making change; no critical thinking. I suppose it doesn’t matter all that much if cash registers are more efficient calculators than the people who use them, but I wonder about this ability (or lack thereof) to make change.

For me, the process of making change resonated more than merely knowing the numbers. That has always been true for me. It struck me this week as we have been commemorating the 50th anniversary of The March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom,  that while August 28, 1963 marks the historic date, the processes of change inform how we make change. Noting the differences from where we started to where we are now is not sufficient if we are to be the ones who make change. We must understand the processes of change–of additions, subtractions, multiplications and divisions, and miscalculations.

The March on Washington 50 years ago was historic for many reasons. Of course, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream ” speech was pivotal, and remarkable, and truly one of the greatest pieces of oration in our history; but the peaceful participation by so many was equally historic and inspiring. Everyone who rallied at the mall in Washington was participating in making change, and inspired so many others to become agents of change. It is easy to just take the change that others make. It is easy to allow changes to be dictated by technology. It is more important, though, to be able to make change.

Leisure Suits

I was born in 1963, just before Camelot was obliterated. By the time I started grade school, sartorial splendor was becoming a thing of the past.  In the 70s, countering the culture largely meant wearing informal, poorly made, unflattering, and often, just ugly clothes.  Changing one’s appearances was meant to denote changing  one’s attitudes. Relaxed fit clothing (before we called a particular style of jeans “relaxed fit”) was supposed to reflect greater freedom, fewer constraints, undoing structures of culture, and a more casual attitude. Adults were uptight; youths were tuning in, turning on and dropping out, which meant building a new harmonious society. Imagine. Then came those horrific Leisure Suits. Even then, I thought they were hideous and silly. The worst part was that Leisure Suits were for dressing up. They didn’t look comfortable or flattering, and came to represent a cheap, synthetic, and middling culture; a culture that was apathetic and confused, low brow and lazy.

A generation later, our children have grown up with a more robust culture. While access to information and communication has been revolutionized in the last generation, there has also been a renaissance of leisure activities and accoutrements. The leisure business is enormous, and people invest great time and money into leisure activities. This has been a terrific boon over the last generation, not only economically, but culturally. Pursuing a leisure activity such as a sport or art is productive. For years I have cautioned parents about over scheduling their children. Children (and adults) need unscheduled free time, but pursuing a hobby or activity (beyond looking at a screen) on a regular basis can provide skills that may go beyond the activity.

When we find a leisure activity that suits us, we strengthen ourselves and can expand. There are all kinds of attributes to all sorts of sports and arts, but the activities themselves often become metaphors for us. I was a great swimmer as a young child, and enjoyed the competence and strength I felt in the water. Many  years later in college, I swam every morning, as it felt like the only way my thoughts could flow in order to write papers. I hardly go to the pool for a swim these days, but I’m very much a swimmer in other ways, and yes, still a lifeguard of sorts. I tend to dive into whatever I pursue. Somehow, I’ve been able to stay afloat, treading from time to time, but mostly propelling myself forward using all my muscles, along the surface of the tide. I was well suited to swimming, and swimming suits me.

Those who are well suited to their work are often quite successful. It’s not always easy to find work that suits us. We often think of work as effort, and leisure as effortless, but there can be joyful effort in both work and play.  Leisure activities are not only ways to  have fun, unwind and relax, but are often ways in which we can more fully realize ourselves and develop our strengths to use in various capacities.  Leisure suits!

Appreciation

It’s almost 7:00 pm; almost the end of the day. Soon Teacher Appreciation Day will be over. It’s not that the shout outs and appreciations are not appreciated. Teachers welcome appreciation. Who wouldn’t? Unfortunately, the appreciation seems limited. If we truly appreciated teachers, we wouldn’t set aside a day to appreciate us.

Perhaps teacher appreciation starts with appreciating learning; appreciating knowledge; appreciating studying; appreciating organizing; appreciating nurturing; appreciating culture; appreciating performance; appreciating patience; appreciating guidance; appreciating caring; appreciating growth; appreciating limits; appreciating work; appreciating differences; appreciating individuality; appreciating creativity; appreciating roles; appreciating responsibility….

Acknowledging qualities that we all need to appreciate will certainly be appreciated. Every day.

 

 

Driver’s Ed

What don’t you want to be when you grow up? I knew from the time I was 16 that I didn’t want to be a Driver’s Ed instructor. In those days, they smoked an awful lot of cigarettes while in the passenger (co-pilot) seat. No wonder! What a horrible job! It’s as death-defying and thankless as any, and most of the time is spent with 16 year olds. The service that they provide though, is an hour a week relief to parents. Most teens will not be terribly insolent to an official driving instructor.

The Driver’s Ed part of parenting was one of the most difficult times. Well…..not the Driver’s Ed per se…..that was the relief. It was the rest of the time in the car with teenage kids the year prior to the license, and post license (waiting for their safe return, preferably without scratches or dents to them or to the car). I was particularly tense during those times (years).

Recently, I was thinking about that question that James Lipton asks at the end of “Inside the Actors’ Studio” from the Bernard Pivot questionnaire: What profession would you not like to do? And I still reacted with: Driver’s Ed Instructor. Then I thought about how perfect that is.

Some new drivers seem oblivious. They have enjoyed being passengers, and want the freedom of being drivers, but never considered all that must be taken into account. Others are afraid of the power. They are so fearful of causing an accident or of making a mistake, that they not only make more mistakes, but create a fearful environment for those next to them as well . Still others are exhilarated by the power and the energy and the sense of freedom that comes with driving. They may need more reminders about caution, and to slow down. It’s always an adjustment, though. Sometimes, even for those who are quickly comfortable behind the wheel, and have an innate calm and good depth perception and quick instincts, there is still a bit of adjustment. They not only need to fit comfortably and see accurately, but like learning to dance with a partner, coordinate the footwork and accelerate and brake with proper timing and emphasis. Everyone must make the proper adjustments and practice, practice, practice.

As educators and parents, we are all Driving Instructors! We provide the rules and the basic techniques. We brief our kids on speed limits and safety features. We remind them to check rear view mirrors and blind spots, and tell them to always keep their eyes on the road!

I guess we are also accountants and consultants and waste managers and……