Shaken. Not Stirred.

Breaking News: Gunman kills student in school shooting. This is any day, USA. Yesterday it was the Las Vegas “anti-government” shooters. Over the weekend, three people were killed and 20 were wounded in shootings in Chicago. That’s one weekend in one city. You’ve seen the newsflashes. The horrors seem to be more frequent. There is more hysteria when the shootings are suburban or in schools (or malls or movie theaters). What was once (or twice or thrice) regarded as an anomaly, has become a daily news story. Yes. DAILY.

We are being terrorized. This time it is from within. We have always been a violent society, struggling to overcome violent impulses and histories. We have  also always cherished individual liberty, but wrestled with balancing individual freedoms with public safety and well being. As more groups of people who were historically disenfranchised have greater access to social, economic and political equality, individuals who feel threatened or disenfranchised have become more emboldened and, in too many instances, violent. The violence is not only self-inflicted, but too often the shooter’s personal drama becomes the unending pain of so many others directly affected by the seemingly random madness. The shooter’s disconnection from humanity may not resonate with many others who would probably reject violence, but the shootings reverberate and shake us to our core.

Even sadder, it seems as though the only ones who are stirred are the disaffected. For those who are driven by madness, we need to make it harder for them to act upon violent fantasies. Where is the leadership? Tweets and petitions may stir some folks into demanding change, but more serious legislation is necessary. Where is the outrage? What does it take to stir political leaders to act?

Beyond Belief

Unbelievable! Donald Sterling’s attempts to polish his image after his damaging remarks, revealed a man seemingly in the throes of dementia, espousing beliefs (and inaccuracies) disconnected from much of reality. Initially, TMZ revealed the private conversation which seemed to be the tipping point of a career of bigoted opinions that were expressed in business practices long before this personal conversation. This recent incident has allowed us to consider beliefs and free speech and the unintended consequences.

In the case of the tarnished Sterling, he does not seem capable of ownership of himself, much less of a team or business. He does not seem capable of understanding reality beyond his beliefs.

We are all guided by beliefs–some personal; some shared. Sometimes we do not realize the distinction between our belief(s) and truth. For some, belief means faith. Belief is also considered akin to an opinion or a chosen theory or principle(s) or creed. We live our lives according to our beliefs, whether they are political, spiritual, philosophical, cultural, or from personal experience. However, our beliefs are subjective– even those that are considered sacred. There is reality beyond our beliefs, and denying reality beyond our own beliefs is the source of disaster.

When individuals whose personal beliefs seem out of sync with our social norms and/or laws, we regard such individuals as problematic or possibly ill. It is the intersection of belief systems with natural and societal laws that allows us to interact and function. In fact, the basis of education is learning to understand beyond our beliefs. Ignorance is the lack of knowledge or information. It is also unawareness. If we live only according to our beliefs, we remain ignorant. And ignorance can be very costly.

We are in the midst of an interesting time in our culture when people’s personal beliefs are being rejected by boards of trustees, colleges, the NBA, and other private enterprises on both the left and the right. To be fair, it is not merely private beliefs that some have found offensive and rejected. The actions taken on behalf of such beliefs are what have offended and generated protests and rejections. The recent spate of protests and rejections of business and political leaders is a reminder to consider beyond belief. What is the real impact of our beliefs?

We look to evidence to confirm our beliefs. Have you ever considered whether or not you believe in evidence? This is what we do when we ask if one “believes” in climate change, as though science were an opinion rather than a systematic study of empirical data. Scientists evaluate data acquired through observation and experimentation. What to do with the evidence is another matter. Science is objective. Beliefs are subjective, even when shared. We are most effective when we are aware of our beliefs and their (our) limits. Then we can actually become educated and have greater capacity to solve problems, rather than merely complain about them or create them.

Our politics and our media have become enamored with beliefs and individuals who are prisoners of limiting beliefs (with limited evidence). It is time to live beyond belief.

Nostalgia and Other Ailments

I’ve been thinking about the word nostalgia lately. We tend to consider nostalgia as a warm and cozy feeling– of the sensation of comfort food, or at least comfort in that which was. I’ve been saying the word aloud to myself. It doesn’t sound like comfort, though. It sounds like an ailment. In fact, the suffix -algia means pain: Arthralgia (joint pain),Myalgia (muscle pain), Neuralgia (nerve pain), Fibromyalgia (widespread musculoskeletal pain and fatigue) are the most common -algias, except for the all consuming cultural ailment, Nostalgia. The closest association with pain might be homesickness, although we use the term nostalgia differently, and with decidedly positive associations. Perhaps nostalgia connotes a sense of childhood home, but it is often used more broadly as an evocation of affection for the past, which is remembered as being better than the present. If anything, nostalgia, rather than evoking pain, has an almost analgesic quality.

 

Technology has enabled increasing nostalgia, as film preservation and digital imaging has become more pervasive over the last few decades. Being able to revisit the cultural sign posts (especially through movies and tv,as well as restored audio/music), and the availability to watch and listen at any moment, has given us an unprecedented human experience of engaging with the past. We can not only remember and recall experientially, but we can watch and see and hear in the present while emotionally connecting to an experience not of the present, but of the past. Moreover, it feels anything but painful. It is comforting and often joyful. It is an escape from the pains of the present. In fact, our current high-tech culture allows us to dwell in the past and create an idealized version of the non-present. Nostalgia is selective memory that mutes pain. Perhaps the -algia suffix that refers to pain, is the pain of life that we seek to escape through selective memory or false memory.

 

The ever availability of accessing the sights and sounds of another time has been entertaining and relaxing, but it has also had an insidious effect of distorting not only time, but reality. Nostalgia has begun to infect our progress, by simplifying complex (cultural) organisms and processes that unfold over time, and deluding us into glorifying a time and/or place that didn’t have our current burdens.

 

Some have a distorted sense of nostalgia, which includes a perverted concept of culture and history. Lately we have seen and heard outrageous bigots caught revealing their hateful views. Whether it’s Cliven Bundy or Don Sterling, or F. Glenn Miller (who went on a shooting spree at Jewish Centers and killed people who were not even Jewish), or Paula Deen or George Zimmerman, these now infamous bigots, along with the many not so famous bigots, are the outliers (albeit too many in number) who have yet to evolve from or even understand the virulence of selfishness and hate. Even odder, many who claim that racism is a thing of the past because we have civil rights laws, indulge their own outrageous hate fantasies with the cognitive dissonance that allows them to see themselves as not-racists, but just as individuals with individual preferences. Of course, they often couch their personal beliefs in the good old days that never really existed. This is distorted nostalgia that infects.

 

Like the resurgence of Whooping Cough and Measles, once terrible diseases that were relatively easily eradicated in childhood through vaccination, bigotry and hate are making a comeback, and lately seem to be rather virulent. Scientists have expressed concern that those who have not vaccinated their children against terrible childhood diseases have contributed to recent outbreaks of these diseases, thought to have been nearly eliminated. The idea that one’s own preference or experience is all that matters, and the notion that there is more at risk today than ever, are the kinds of distortions that allow even a minority of people to inflict immense pain and difficulty upon others.

 

This wave of Libertarianism/hyper-individualism in the age of the Internet, combined with a fondness for nostalgia which emphasizes only what one finds delightful or of his/her experience, and disregards the rest, ignores the complexities of science and history, as well as cultural health. Re-examining protocols of the past, and ensuring that laws and practices protect the most vulnerable and the public at large, is an ongoing worthwhile pursuit. However, we can not retreat to nostalgia, which, although pain relieving, is distorting, and for some, ignores serious complexities that demand our attention to keep us healthy.

Spring Theory

In today’s culture, we tend to separate education from stories. Music is considered peripheral, and singing seems irrelevant. Meals are outside the classroom and considered a break from learning. Family, especially multi-generational and extended kin, have nothing to do with conventional school. Encouraging the youngest to ask questions, much less playing hide and seek in the middle of a lesson, would be considered the exception, not the rule. Staying up late, still singing, is usually discouraged.

 

Yet, these are some of the elements of the Passover Seder that are not only enjoyed by people (of all faiths), but have the best features of real education. Pedagogically speaking, the Passover Seder is educational excellence. It is orderly (seder means order), but engaging and fun. There are a series of actions/activities with explanations and several interpretations that encourage thinking and doing. Food as symbol is central to the Seder. There is a special centerpiece–the seder plate– which has odd samples of a variety of foods that one would probably not eat otherwise, alone, much less in even odder combinations. It is part of what makes the night “unlike any other night”. Doing an unusual exercise (and explaining it), and perhaps adding a song, often leads to better information retention. Engaging with the story is the first level of pedagogy. Learning continues at all levels, through action and inquiry, critical discussion, laughter and singing.

 

Culturally, the Seder has resonated beyond strict religious observance to Spring ritual that reminds us of our personal and cultural “narrow straits” (the literal translation of the hebrew word for Egypt)–of constricted opportunities, narrow-mindedness, limited movement– and celebrates liberation from oppression. Slavery and oppression are human tragedies that are sadly not completely relegated to history. Natural plagues and severe weather force us to reconsider our lives and our interactions with the natural world. What may be Supernatural in the stories, resonates because we can connect to the natural world.

 

The lesson of good pedagogy is not specific to any single religion, nor is it even religious in nature. In fact, it’s the opposite. It is the understanding of the nature of learning that makes many religious rituals highly effective. To be clear, I am not suggesting that any religious rituals belong anywhere in our schools or public spaces (or government spaces). I am noting some characteristics that make learning effective and layered, and can be employed in non-religious domains.

 

The process of educating can not be limited to cramming test questions and sample choices and then bubbling them in. Many people confuse facts with truth, or have trouble distinguishing fact from opinion, often without realizing their confusion. Verbiage gets used as a mask for depth. True education liberates us from the narrow straits–whatever and wherever their origins. It expands our abilities to solve problems, rather than merely lay blame or recreate limiting or even oppressive conditions. Many so-called educated people can recite facts and tell stories, but thinking beyond one’s own experience and narrow confines, and applying an array of knowledge from various contexts, distinguishes the well-educated from those who have a more rudimentary education. Education is actually a creative endeavor, that engages and arouses curiosity and inquiry. Lessons are learned not merely from disaster,(in fact, they are all too often not learned from disaster), but also from reengaging in stories and questions and cultural remnants; from expanding our narrow straits, and including an array of sensory experiences to enhance our learning. It’s all part of truly educating.

 

So, in this time of Spring cleaning, and religious holidays celebrating liberation from oppression and rebirth and renewal, reconsider education as a creative endeavor requiring an array of approaches and experiences . Engagement and inquiry are necessary for learning and evolving. Our narrow spaces expand, and we can be liberated, and liberate others, through creative activity.

Power Smoothies

Over the past decade or so, whenever my daughter and I had a day off together, we’d go to our local lunch place “Power Smoothie”. It’s a Millennial take on the sandwich shoppe, serving  a variety of wraps and rice bowls with interesting combinations, and an extensive menu of Power Smoothies. These are shakes made with fruit, and sometimes yogurt, to which one can add vitamins and other supplements. This establishment tends to attract body builder types and other fitness devotees. My daughter and I, usually among the few patrons not in workout attire, like the sandwich wraps and sometimes enjoy a smoothie as a treat. For us, a fruit smoothie (just the fruit) is a treat–not a fuel. It is not about the “power” for us, but just a tasty blend of fruits that can be quite refreshing, especially on a hot day. But the Power Smoothie–it’s not only the Nectar of the Bods.

We’ve seen some Power Smoothies of a different sort in the news lately. The most serious (and threatening) Power Smoothie is Vladamir Putin. His reclaiming Crimea while the Ukraine’s interim government leans toward the EU has caused  a tense situation. Not long before this maneuver, some Americans were relishing Putin’s strength, particularly in opposition to their characterizations of Obama. This has been rather disconcerting. President Obama’s detractors have acted like they had a crush on (muscle-man) Putin, and when Putin behaved like the bully, placing troops along the border of Crimea, the Obama haters blamed Obama, insinuating that Obama was weak, which caused Putin’s actions.

People respond to flexed muscles. They see strength and power and like shows of force. For some, brashness is strength, and attaining power by showing strength is most important.

There has been another media sensation over the last several weeks, although this Power Smoothie is far outside the realm of geopolitics. Miriam Weeks, aka Belle Knox, is a freshwoman at Duke University. She has created quite a kerfuffle because she also works in porn. At first she hid her porn identity, Belle Knox, but after she revealed her identity to a frat guy, it wasn’t long before everyone else knew. Imagine that. She maintains that she works in the porn industry to help pay tuition. (Her parents just found out!) She has been on the talk show circuit recently, including Piers Morgan and The View, defending her right to work in porn. She insists that she feels “empowered” by this work,and that it is her choice, and shame on anyone who judges her negatively. She has received quite a bit of attention, including supposed death threats. The death threats, if true, are despicable, but her attention seeking is beyond combating death threats. She is brash and loves the attention, and knowing that she chooses to exploit her body, and feign innocence while insisting that she is empowered and should not be judged, is quite manipulative and disingenuous. For so many, sex trafficking and sex work is not a choice and is horrific and demeaning and ruins lives. If Miriam (Belle Knox) Weeks is happy to choose sex work, great for her! Even if she does need to work to help with tuition (which is questionable), she obviously does not consider sex work to have a demeaning side.

Choice is power. She thinks that she deserves respect because she has chosen her work, and she disparages those she thinks disparage her. For some, getting attention is intoxicating. It’s a sense of power. Miriam Belle Knox Weeks may feel powerful for being desirable doing porn at 18, and for causing a sensation at Duke and on national media outlets, but this Power Smoothie is not healthy. Real power is more than doing what one feels like when and where one wants. Power must include the strength of consideration of ones actions and words.

One more Power Smoothie has been on my mind for a while: Sheryl Sandberg. Sandberg is truly an upstanding and outstanding citizen. The COO of Facebook, Inc. has been ranked as one of the 50 most powerful women in business by several influential business magazines and journals. She is incredibly accomplished and engaged, having served on many boards and given numerous addresses, and last year, released her first book, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead.  While I appreciated her intentions with Lean In and her attempts to create a new movement, I am not aligned with her. I thought the unintended consequence of her attempt to empower women to “lean in to their ambitions” was that it was supportive to those women lucky enough to choose when and where they want to work. For most women, other structures of power need to be transformed beyond a woman’s attempts to lean in.

More recently, Sandburg suggested banning the word “bossy”, as it has historically been used when referring to certain assertive behavior exhibited by girls (and sometimes women). This “Ban Bossy” campaign took off with some celebrities attaching their names, including Beyonce, Jane Lynch and Condoleezza Rice. While it might seem like a catchy title for a campaign to empower girls, I respectfully disagree with banning the word bossy. Being bossy is not the same as being a good leader. Bossy behavior is not a catch all for female assertiveness. Being bossy is being obnoxious. Bossy girls may garner temporary power and think they are strong, but we should be clear about what effective leadership is and isn’t. The bossy girls I knew did not become dynamic leaders–just demanding (and usually just demanding for themselves).

Rather than banning “bossy”, let’s teach leadership and make distinctions between leading and demanding; debating and obstructing; elevating and pushing. Bring back dignity, but let’s not pretend that nastiness and obnoxious behavior, or even doing whatever one wants whenever and wherever one wants is somehow just misunderstood leadership. Being bossy is not the same as being an effective or good leader. Let’s keep bossy in our lexicon to remind ourselves of negative behavior.

The Power Smoothies, although very different from each other, have attempted to push boundaries, claim territory as though there were only certain considerations, flex muscles for attention, and seek to shake things up. There are Power Smoothies in every domain. Certainly not all are nefarious, but power and strength are tricky.   Everyone seeks some sort of power and needs strength. The kind of strength and power that we want to extend can’t be left to Power Smoothies.  Whether it’s co-opting language from historic movements or moments that generate visceral responses, or grandstanding, we need to remind ourselves and our children of the power of critical thinking; of consideration and consequences (intended or not); of distortions and distinctions. The Power Smoothies blend it all together . Some are bossy; some are bullies; some are oblivious. Some are well intentioned, but it is in our power to clarify and to educate; to provide healthy alternatives.

Chopped

I love watching Chopped. I watch regular seasons; Chopped Champions; Chopped All-Stars; Chopped Grill Masters; marathons, and I confess, I watch re-runs. This cooking competition is endlessly enjoyable to watch, not only for the spectacular plates, which, after all, we can only see, but in its utterly simple structure that allows so much creativity and brilliance to be presented. It also speaks to our cultural ideals–not just our ideal meals.

In case you are one of the few who are not yet acquainted with Chopped, allow me to introduce you. It is a TV Food Network cooking show with four chefs competing for a $10,000.00 prize. There are three rounds: appetizer,entree, and dessert. In each round, the chefs are given a basket of three to five ingredients (usually four), all of which must be used in some form in their dishes. The chefs also have access to pantry and refrigerator ingredients, but the focus must be on the basket ingredients, which are not usually prepared together. Each round is timed: twenty minutes for the appetizer round, and thirty minutes each for the entree and dessert rounds. The competing chefs are judged by a panel of three renowned chefs who critique the dishes and decide based on presentation, taste, and creativity. The judges must determine which competing chef must be eliminated from the next round. Who will be chopped? Thus, the appetizer round starts with four chefs competing. The entree round has three remaining chefs competing. By the dessert round, the last two competing chefs will be judged not only on their desserts, but on their entire meals. The winner gets $10,000.00.

The show is so enticing because it appeals to many of our appetites. On the most basic level, Chopped is a cooking competition, so while it may not actually fill us with food, we have a natural desire for food. (DO NOT WATCH IF YOU ARE PHYSICALLY HUNGRY!) It is also exciting competition and “feeds” the part of us that enjoys sports (and prize money). Beyond the obvious, the show has evolved to embrace certain features that we strive for as a culture. We hunger for rules that apply to all. We thirst for excellence and consideration. We savor the go-getter.  We crave beauty and inspiration. Technique matters, but ultimately it has to taste good.

Chopped is a meritocracy. The chefs who compete,while mostly American, are truly a cross section of America.  Talented, extremely hard-working people, regardless of background or even current job title, compete. Sometimes, when the chefs are immigrants, or new residents, their incredibly hard work and overwhelming desire to succeed is inspiring. Those who are competing from (and occasionally for) other countries, are in love with Chopped, and want to participate in that bit of America and “bring it home”. Young, not-so-young, male, female, white, non-white, straight, gay, professional, amateur…all compete in the Chopped kitchen, as long as they prove their abilities and play by the rules.

The main rule is to use all of the basket ingredients. As any Chopped lover knows, however, it is never enough to merely have the basket ingredients in the prepared dish. The goal is to transform the ingredients. This is the most inspiring part of the show, and it speaks to our cultural aspirations of transformation. How can we transform seemingly disparate elements?

Sure Chopped is fun cooking competition, but it is also nourishing. Those of us who can devour a Chopped marathon, appreciate the fortitude of the contestants. We sympathize with their often difficult life circumstances and admire their resourcefulness, not only in the kitchen, but in doing what they can do to improve their lives and the lives of their families and communities. This theme is emphasized on Chopped, and yes, gives Chopped it’s distinctive flavor. We admire these traits also, and are delighted to see excellence showcased with a dose of deference to earned authority and wisdom, as well as creativity, beauty and transformation amidst healthy competition. These are the very traits that we parents and teachers and other leaders seek to instill in our children.

Ok. So Chopped is just a cooking show, but the themes are also a recipe for success; for transformation. Let’s get cooking!

Emptynessed

From the moments of my children’s births, parenting has always been love. There has been such warmth and joy amid times that were frustrating and anxiety producing. Sometimes scary; sometimes maddening; sometimes hurtful. It has always been truly unconditional, and the most profound love.

I never wanted to be the imposing parent or the martyr. I have been both,despite my better intentions. Being mindful of my children’s proclivities, I wanted to encourage their strengths and find ways to have them strengthen their weaknesses, and ensure that they would become caring,thoughtful,responsible,giving adults. I can’t ensure anything, but I am optimistic. They live in a sub-culture that shares those values, even if those standards aren’t always revealed to the parents.

When they each left for college, it was bittersweet. It was time. Some parents stay tethered and feel as though they must communicate constantly and know all about their emerging adult children’s lives. I confess to having mixed emotions about that. Despite wanting to hear more about their lives, I respect their independence, and have always been amazed by their independent streaks. The kids have embarked upon their own journeys, and those college years were a transition time for them, as well as for us parents.  We have branched out as adults, but as parents, we have not stopped thinking about our kids, and find them endlessly interesting. We know that this is not the case for them.

We adjusted quite well to the empty nest. It was our time again, while they were having their times. We could focus even more on work and community and other projects, as well as our relationship, and our adult concerns could just be dealt with, rather than having to choreograph around the kids (sometimes unsuccessfully). When the kids would come home, there was a bit of readjustment. The unconscious habits of childhood and adolescence were instantly triggered–in both parents and children. Although more tempered and measured than during adolescence, there was still that sort of semi-trustful listening (or non-listening) that existed as an undercurrent. It was a habitual listening (or non-listening) that had yet to be fully transformed. Despite the facts that each of us has been working and learning and evolving, as a family we were on auto-pilot.

It is natural and common to experience this awkward stage. Parental roles are dramatically different at this stage, but so too are the emerging adult children’s roles. They may be oblivious to their parents’ lives, but their parents not only have an empty nest, but also an emptiness. Parents need their children. My need for my children is beyond ego; it stems from my heart and soul. It is basic and profound love. When the ego needs, it is anxiety producing. When the soul needs, it is the experience of love (and the emptiness that accompanies absence). I have been feeling empty-nessed. It is not the need to have the nest filled up, but to have my heart filled up. When I think of their absence I feel empty-nessed. When I think of them, not what they are doing or the distance, but just as people, the people I adore most, my heart swells and the emptiness fills with love. It is from this state that relationships can flourish and we can evolve. More than filling an empty nest, having space for the totality of the person–pure love–the emptynessed becomes transformed.

Celebrity Crush

Many who admired Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s artistic abilities were crushed upon hearing of his untimely death from heroin. Because he didn’t “seem” like an addict or out of control, and in fact seemed to be one who harnessed his abilities and honed them, revelations of his relapse were surprising and sad. His brilliance and low key, mature manner off screen furthered the public’s impression of a master– one with incredible gifts and work ethic and  seemingly able to transcend the trappings and excesses of Hollywood and of American culture. Alas, here on earth, stars are human. We may not know the depth of his struggles, but the scene of his death revealed conditions that suggest profound struggle. Addiction is insidious and cruel for anyone. It becomes crushing not only to the individual who struggles to maintain, but for friends and family as well.

Earlier Sunday morning, like so many, I sat with my morning coffee reading the New York Times. I tend to veer away from a lot of celebrity stories, but this was The New York Times. And Nicholas Kristof. Initially I was intrigued because this week’s op-ed piece seemed like a departure for him. Then I stepped in the quicksand. He shared an excerpt from a letter penned by Dylan Farrow, daughter of Mia Farrow. I followed the link to her entire letter. I was utterly uncomfortable, as she recounted being molested by Woody Allen when she was 7.  I assumed that Dylan Farrow’s piece was a reaction to Woody Allen’s Lifetime Achievement Award(s), and the upcoming Oscars. Her anger extended to  Cate Blanchett and Louis C.K. for working with Allen.  She seemed to be suggesting that anyone who doesn’t reject Woody Allen must be complicit with this man she accuses of molesting her.  I felt tremendous compassion for her and wondered if something happened, even if that something wasn’t exactly as she wrote it.The readers’ comments included much support for her, which in that case, included hateful remarks about Allen. She was tormented. That was clear. Still, the whole thing was so uncomfortable to read, not only because it is an uncomfortable subject, but because many others got involved. I don’t want to read about their dirty laundry. I have compassion for people who have been made to be victims. Then came the counter piece in The Daily Beast written by Robert B. Weide, a documentarian of Woody Allen. I was reminded of the very messiness of this case from 20 years ago. Was Dylan Farrow’s experience a result of being coached as a kid by her mother Mia during a hideously nasty break up? Why would Mia Farrow and the newest sensation, her son Ronan Farrow, (supposedly brilliant??), tweet middle-school-esque tweets about Woody during the Golden Globes? Why do we need to be bombarded with this AGAIN after 20 years? The Farrow side wants to use a wide audience to discourage any support for Woody Allen. After all of this, not only do I definitely not know what happened, I don’t want to be bombarded with their stuff. I am not complicit in what may or may not have taken place 20 years ago. It is very sad. They need to heal. Whatever happened, and I have no idea what DID happen, has left Dylan traumatized and she and her family have remained bitter and unrelenting. Moreover, they are determined to keep crushing as they have felt crushed.

These two tragic stories unfolded on Sunday before the Super Bowl, when the Denver Broncos were crushed by the Seattle Seahawks. So many were hoping Peyton Manning would get the win–a likable celebrity  athlete with incredible talent who is disciplined and affable and without the negative gossip. But the truly superb defense of the Seahawks overwhelmed the Broncos, and once again, assumptions were challenged. Of course, the  Super Bowl commercials are the other great excitement along with the championship game. The anticipation of the commercials as the zenith of entertainment in 30 second increments (unless it’s with Bob Dylan), adds to the enjoyment of the Super Bowl as Super Event. (**For a week or so prior to the Super Bowl, there was quite a bit of scuttlebutt about Scarlett Johansson’s role in a Super Bowl commercial as celebrity spokesperson for Soda Stream and the seeming conflict of interest with being an Oxfam ambassador. She chose economic opportunity for herself, but also for Palestinians and for Israeli-Palestinian economic cooperation at Soda Stream.) The theme of celebrity in all the ads was sensational.Watching Super Bowl commercials has become a pastime, but this year’s all-star lineup made it that much more entertaining–even when the commercials themselves were otherwise not so terrific.  Star gazing is as old as humanity.

If we can learn anything after the celebrity immersion of Sunday, it is that life events can be crushing, and distortions abound. Celebrity sells. Certainly celebrity can be useful in attracting attention to worthy causes (and products), but the causes must go beyond the celebrities, and we need to create better resources for dealing with life’s crushes.

Going Upstairs Backwards

There’s nothing like pain to make us aware of our habits. Spasms redirect our attention to clenched muscles that seem to control us, rather than the other way around. Shooting, stabbing, burning, stinging, throbbing, aching,  hurting, sore…pain. Sometimes mere discomfort distracts us from our automatic lives, and asks us to pay attention. Agony is overwhelming, and suffering is more chronic misery. But the regular discomforts often steal our focus and energies, and ask us to do something different. With a different focus, we may adjust our posture or stance, or where we sit and how we proceed.

This is true of any sort of pain. Physical, emotional, psychological, existential pain asks us to attend to the sensation. We often get stuck when confronted with pain. Too often we compensate with unintended consequences. Sometimes we  consciously ignore the signals, as though giving in to a toddler’s temper tantrum will reinforce the tendency for eruptions. It is often hard to know how to deal with discomforts and pain so that they are  not reinforced or cause other damage. Some people wallow, others martyr, most numb themselves. Dealing with discomfort and pain as a lesson, is often reduced to avoidance.

Over the last 10.5 months, while strengthening myself physically, and taking the time to better manage my physical health, I decided to write. With no timeline in mind, or even a  roadmap or GPS, I wanted to experiment in a way that I had never attempted before, and create conversations. Forever committed to strengthening parenting and family life, education, Culture and culture, and healthy homes, schools and communities, I learned that I could be  critical  while optimistic. Moreover, I could learn from everyday discomforts and sometimes pain and even agony, both my own and societal, that there are always lessons. In looking back over the essays that span less than a year, I am reminded of political events and societal changes that, for some, were painful or uncomfortable . Some moments have been liberating culminations of long, painful battles that now demand societal realignment. Some moments seem to be flare ups of old wounds or negative habits. Time seems to move more quickly than it used to as we are exposed to so much more information at lightening speed, and it is easy to forget moments that affected us–that gave us opportunities to not merely get over the pain, but to learn from it. In reflecting upon the last 10.5 months, I am amazed at what is possible in less than a year. Some pain is chronic; some acute. Discomforts are inevitable, but as we redirect our focus and energies, and adjust our postures and stances, and even where we sit and how we proceed, we may not only mitigate some pain, but move ourselves further ahead in ways that we may not have even considered.

With a recent flare of back trouble, I have been having immense pain sitting and in many positions. Walking up the stairs has been another difficulty. This is not a new situation, but like most aches and pains (and worse), the situation flares from time to time. This time, I decided to try walking up the stairs backwards. It takes me a little longer (not much) and at first I needed more support. But I get up the stairs now! With fewer spasms! Of course looking back one sees how far one has gone, but more than that, sometimes looking at where we were and how we held ourselves and then tweaking it, allows us to be in a better, more comfortable and healthier position to elevate ourselves.

Guys’ Guise

Timothy Egan wrote an op-ed in today’s New York Times (January, 17, 2014) offering a thoughtful response to Brit Hume’s recent comment that Chris Christie is merely a “Guy’s Guy”–an apparently endangered species.

You may have heard Brit Hume, that is, Senior Political Analyst Brit Hume of Fox News, refer to Governor Christie’s problem. It’s not that he’s arrogant, paranoid, testy, bullying or too blunt for the P.C. culture. It’s just that he’s an “old fashioned guy’s guy” in a “feminized” world — an endangered species adrift on a floe of mush….

…He said, “By which I mean that men today have learned the lesson the hard way that if you act like a kind of an old-fashioned guy’s guy, you’re in constant danger of slipping out and saying something that’s going to get you in trouble and make you look like a sexist or make you look like you seem thuggish or whatever.”

I appreciate Egan’s clarification and answer to a particular concept of masculinity (which  Brit Hume, et al. equate with strength):

If you say something that genuinely offends women, it’s not because you’re a brawny dude, speaking freely, or even standing up to the culture patrol. It’s because you’re insensitive to people in general — the daughters, wives and mothers of many a manly man. Or, at the least, it’s because you’re outdated, like showing up for work at a tech company with a cellphone the size of a shoebox.

What has been missing from the discussion, however, is the subtext that being “feminine” or our supposedly “feminized” culture is an insult. “Masculinity”, whether defined by Brit Hume, Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, or articulated through Chris Christie, Phil Robertson (of Duck Dynasty fame), Sarah Palin, or many others who seem to defy the laconic male icon of yesteryear, seems to refer to a particular paradigm that they conflate not merely with gender, but with strength and superiority. Calling someone “a fag” or a behavior “gay” is meant to be insulting in this crowd. Small mindedness, is somehow rebranded as assuredness and strength. In this crowd, it’s bully for the bullies! Shooting from the hip is preferable to being hip–which, to the “Guys”, is just a feminized subculture of spineless socialists. In that universe, there is not a ying-yang balance of energies that we call masculine and feminine, each with attributes valuable to the health of humanity. It’s right and wrong (wrong = left, feminized); strong and weak; makers and takers. These are the masculine and feminine types of that world. In that world of “Guys and Dolls”, guys play with dolls.

The guys’ guise is feigning strength and security through righteous impasse. They not only feel threatened, and reject even their own possible evolution, much less the evolution of culture, (not to mention nature), but suggest that that which they describe as feminine is what undermines them. The ideals of strength and honor are not gender specific. Moreover, gender is beyond biology. It is a cultural construct, and like it or not, cultures evolve.

Our job as parents and educators and citizens is to build a better society and a healthier culture that elevates and broadens. Under the guys’ guise, being a loudmouth or intimidating is just being a guy, and guys are now victims of this henpecked culture. The guys’ guise is not really political (although it could easily be construed as such). It’s cultural. There are small minded people everywhere, and thugs and trolls left and right. Strength is not a guy issue. It is not the same as intransigence. Flexibility is not a gender issue. The habits of mind (and culture) that include thought, reason, consideration, reflection, flexibility, appreciation and expansion build strength. That’s not a guy thing, despite the guys’ guise.