culture

Mom Genes

Mother— defined by a concept and/or conception.

Culturally, we have inherited concepts of Mother, that have often been confused with biology. Women have inherited mothering traits that are largely determined by our cultural DNA (supported by biological DNA). We tend to think that biology is supported by culture, but that is certainly not always the case.

Our cultural DNA still has us favoring Mom as the primary caregiver and nurturer. However, cultural norms are changing for men and women allowing biology to not be destiny, and enabling new configurations of family (and work) life. Still, our cultural DNA insists on a concept of Mother as primary caregiver and nurturer that has endured various sociological tweaks and scientific breakthroughs.

The biological necessities of motherhood are rather short lived, compared to the cultural ones. Of course, that is because children take so darn long to grow up (biologically and culturally). So, Mother, as a concept, may commence with knowledge of conception, but it lingers long after (or beyond) any physical imperatives. Our cultural DNA ensures that Mother is not only a physical event and a psychological necessity, but also a cultural idea.

Not an ideal, but an idea. There have always been adoptive parents and wet nurses, and ways around non-biological mothering. In recent decades, in vitro fertilization, and various hormone treatments, surrogacy, and other heretofore unimaginable methods have expanded the possibilities for motherhood. (and for TLC shows). We have an idea (and an ideal) of Mother, but when it comes to kids, our culture seems to be very non-maternal, and very unsupportive of mothers, especially struggling mothers.

The current concept of Mother dovetails on earlier cultural concepts of the long suffering but ever loving nurturer, nowadays schlepping all day every day. Always frazzled, running late, eating on the go, texting or skyping to stay connected. Dinner is an ideal. Basic nutrition is not so basic; nor is it convenient or affordable. It’s a luxury. Schools are stressors for kids and (mostly) Moms. Mothers are preoccupied with keeping their children occupied–for their safety; for scheduling around work; for building the kids’ resumes. There is little down time and, like the adult world, busyness is equated with productivity and worth. In our culture today, if Mom is busy, she’s doing it right. Mothers’ Day in 2015 means a day with answered texts and probably a call, and an opportunity to not schlep.

As a culture, we consider the nurturers and caregivers the least worthy of respect. Oh, there’s lip service, but not policy or compensation. We outsource caregiving and devalue it– at home, school, hospital, assisted living. The primary cultural concept of Mother as caregiver and nurturer–that which describes our Mom Genes– is in fact devalued in our cultural reality. Like an appendix, we are left with Mothers’ Day.

Perhaps starting with this Mothers’ Day, you can contribute to work/programs/organizations that make a difference to mothers and children. What can you do beyond Mothers’ Day? Consider how well those Mom Genes fit. Maybe it’s time for alterations.  Here’s to a Happy Mothers’ Day (and many more)!

B’More

The Gray Matter–The matter of 25 year old Freddy Gray’s death from a severed spine after being in police custody last week, has inspired peaceful protest for police reform, as well as outrageous violence, rioting, looting and arson. Gray was arrested by Baltimore Police 2 weeks ago. What exactly happened after he was taken into police custody is unclear, or at least unanswered to the public. The issue of police brutality has been painted in black and white, and the recent high profile cases of deaths occurring at the hands of police officers has much of the public outraged by excessive violence from the police.

The police departments have suggested that these tragedies have occurred within the confines of the law, and that violent suspects,or suspects near violence, have caused the police reactions. Kill or be killed. Is it just the rogue cop or two (in each precinct)? It’s got to be more than that.

Those who say that they understand the rage underneath the current violence in Baltimore because there are no longer decent jobs due to globalization, must be younger than I (and/or unaware of history). I was born and raised in B’more, and lived there until I was 17. Baltimore always seemed deeply segregated to me. Racially, economically, ethnically…..and there was a terribly impoverished inner city long before globalization. I moved from Baltimore in 1981. It was always an extremely dangerous (and sad) place to me, despite its other charms. There are beautiful areas, historic, cultural, quirky, and also the hideous stuff that provided the stories for “The Wire” and “Homicide”.

It is easy to lump all the recent police brutality incidents together; all these racially charged incidents together; impoverished areas with high crime rates together. There are indeed similarities and patterns.There also seems to be an unwillingness to acknowledge the entrenched tragedies on all sides: thugs who are cops and thugs who are not cops; an entrenched system of economic failure and a culture of violence; lack of vision; lack of hope; lack of change; lack of leadership; lack of decent homes, schools, or jobs; not being more.

The violence following the protests and funeral for Freddy Gray yesterday were disturbing and sad, but sadly, not unfamiliar nor unexpected. We wanted B’more to BE MORE. We want all of our communities to BE MORE for all of us. We want our police to BE MORE for all of us. We want our elected officials to BE MORE for all of us. We want our schools and medical facilities to BE MORE for all of us.

Maybe the takeaway from B’More is just that. Be More than your circumstances. Be More than your fears. Be More than your anger. Be More than your habits. Be More than your desires. Be More than you’ve been, or than you might have been. Be more for all of us.

Bubbling Crude

Today is the 5th anniversary of the BP Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico off the coast of Louisiana, affecting the beaches and wetlands from Texas to Florida. The deadly accident on the Deepwater Horizon rig killed eleven workers when it exploded, and gushed oil for nearly 3 months uncontrolled. This environmental disaster has been our nation’s worst to date, affecting lives and livelihoods and wildlife across the region.

The spill’s impacts remain to this day.

Today is also the 16th anniversary of the Columbine High School shooting– a devastating event that we thought was an anomaly. In the 16 years since, we’ve seen countless shootings–and several mass shootings–of innocents (and innocence). Those who gush about their right to protect themselves are quick to deny the consequences of gun culture and violence, and any sort of responsibility for ensuring freedom for those who are unlucky enough to be in the path of a disturbed individual (or two).

When madness bubbles over, and we lack sophistication in our abilities to de-escalate, we are left with the crude culture of violence and abuse, limiting lives long after the initial explosion,polluting our environment.

Those tragic anniversaries of devastation linger not only because they were utterly horrific and wake-up calls, but even more tragically, because they continue to devastate,  and remain unresolved and likely to happen again at any moment.

Policies (and certainly politics) related to guns and the environment have not changed significantly; nor has the culture at large changed with regard to environmental or gun regulation. Regulation is still considered by many to be an infringement upon freedom, rather than the standards for health and safety for all. And while our health care system has been fought over, those afflicted by mental illness are still too often not able to obtain necessary treatment. The effects are not only individual. Individual health affects public health. The ways in which we treat our ailments, individually and societally, still seem crude.

I’m not one to ascribe significance to a date that has had terrible tragedies. As we move through history, there will be more events (good and bad) occurring on the same date. Sometimes there is significance, and often it is crude. I seem to recall that the reason April 20th was selected as the date for the massacre at Columbine High School was because it was Hitler’s birthday.

Hate bubbles to the service in each generation, but how we deal with hate and indifference, as well as greed and ignorance, each crude states, can be (and must be) challenged anew.

The 2016 race has officially begun, but I feel like it’s still the bubbling crude. It’s as though we are coated in greed, indifference, hate and violence–stuck in the gulf. We have become a more crude culture, and we’ve seen the deleterious effects when it bubbles to the surface.

We have a lot more cleaning up to do. Maybe, remembering the flammability of that bubbling crude will inspire more alternative energies going forward.

It Is What It Isn’t

It isn’t bigotry; it’s freedom of religion. It isn’t mass murder; it’s Depression. It isn’t diplomacy; it’s appeasement.

It isn’t rape; it’s drunken sex. It isn’t obstruction; it’s Democracy. It isn’t murder; it’s self defense. It isn’t spying; it’s security. It isn’t union busting; it’s the right to work. It isn’t about public health; it’s about private choice.

It seems like we actually spend our lives on what something or someone isn’t. We have a tradition of distinguishing ourselves from others by emphasizing other-ness. Even with our history of civil rights and feminism, expanding rights for all sorts of people once excluded, the current zeitgeist is not one of inclusion and expansion. Critical thinking has largely been distorted into oppositional thinking.

Say it isn’t so!

We’ve shifted from what it is to what it isn’t, as we’ve been bombarded with challenges to our assumptions:

It’s a slam-dunk! (for which we are paying unimagined consequences in the Middle East).

It’s a no brainer!

It’s a sure thing!

It’s a 10!

It’s a boy!

It’s complicated.

The truth is, it is complicated. There are different views and facets and understandings and expressions of much of life. Concepts of gender, of life, of liberty, of religion, and so many constructs that were historically entrenched….are still evolving. It doesn’t feel like evolution when we seem so mired, and it is easy to feel despair.

It is what it is. The sigh of stalemate. We don’t hear “c’est la vie”  any more. We say “it is what it is”, like pop zen masters (or Winnie the Pooh). When we don’t know what else we can do, we can acknowledge that it is what it is. Move on.

We don’t seem to be moving on by what it isn’t. It isn’t right. It isn’t safe. It isn’t about you (or me). It isn’t working.

So many articles are written to sound as though previously held notions were naive, or misguided, or wrong. It’s as though some people think they sound smarter by debunking anything we’ve known prior to now. It seems as though everything you thought was true isn’t. It is what it isn’t. Aside from being able to eat butter and drink coffee now, this new moment of deconstruction requires critical thinking, not just being critical.  Some previously held ideas and constructs that seemed to be true and even natural deserve to be queried. But, not everything must be turned inside out or dismantled.  In fact, there seems to be a dearth of common sense and wisdom, much less decent behavior. And there is certainly a lack of common good.

So how do we move beyond it is what it isn’t? Acknowledge that it is what it is, but doesn’t always have to be this way or simply the mirror opposite (that way). Movement happens between (and/or beyond) those points–where there is space to move. We know there is a better way, isn’t there?

Lots

Lots and lots going on this week

suggesting who we are

and what we seek

and whether these moments

are indeed unique.

**********

Bohener’s gift to the GOP

was a powerful speech

by PM Bibi.

Then another gift,

courtesy of Hilary.

***********

Homeland Security is secure

at least until September.

The month when we feel most unsure

if we’ve endured the worst

or must prepare for more (war?).

**********

It seems as though we most desire

basic heroes and villains,

whose masks hide the quagmire

we find ourselves in,

when we neglect what we truly require.

**********

Lots of stories, and the story of lots

This week, the whole megillah.

Heroes and villains and twists of plots

Is Iran still Persia?

My stomach’s in knots.

**********

As the season of Carnival gives way to Lent,

regardless of one’s tradition,

perhaps we’ll find that in the present

we can draw lots

of new possibilities with a shift of intent.

Fashion Statements

Who are you wearing?The Oscars are known for the red carpet fashion show of Hollywood stars, but political and social statements have also become part of the awards spectacle. The Oscars have become the vehicle for those in the movie biz to declare their causes and directions for the country. This year, the winners used their movies as starting points to inspire movements from securing voting rights, to equal pay for women, to immigration rights, ALS research and cure, Alzheimers research and cure….suicide prevention, LGBT rights, better treatment for Veterans, I’m sure there’s more….

All of these are worthy of attention and commitment, and why shouldn’t famous people use their fame for good causes? For a group of professionals who have agents and writers, and yes, stylists, why did their statements seem so ineloquent? Sure the excitement of the moment and nervousness, not to mention time limit, may have contributed to some earnest but awkward statements, but I think there was also an overconfidence that their profession equipped them to be eloquent and elegant in real life at an emotional moment. Important statements need to be fashioned in such a way that considers interpretation and what will remain after the moment.

Movies can be incredibly powerful, precisely because they are crafted, honed, edited, produced by an array of talented individuals. The audio visual work and the words can be examined and fashioned so that the statement has the most effective impact. Movies inspire in positive and negative ways. (We see this with ISIS.)  Of course, not all movies are statements and not all statements move us. But we often follow those who fashion statements.

Before the Oscars, the statements by Rudy Giuliani attacking President Obama’s patriotism were leading news cycles and commentaries. I worry about Mr. Giuliani. He should have enough experience to know that inspiring hate, and instilling fear and paranoia are not the same as critical analysis, or critiquing policies. He doubled down on his comments before writing an op-ed (with no apology) to attempt to put out the fire he ignited. But he can’t undo what he did. Spewing is not the same as a fashioned statement.

The elites don’t seem to be the ones who are defined by the best education, but by those who have the media attention. They have the followers. Even those of us who prefer to follow unbiased news, and think for ourselves, see that our country is following those whose statements are the loudest–not necessarily the most studied or well fashioned.

The Oscars, with all its irrelevance amid attempts at relevance (like Guiliani himself), did however leave us with a couple of well fashioned statements. The bit that left us all a bit gaga, was the Lady herself, as she pulled the most outrageous stunt of all: she wowed with her incredible, authentic voice without any frills. Just a statement of excellence, fashioned to perfection. The other statement, of course, was by J. K. Simmons: “Call your Mom!”  Funny how that’s trending!  Fashioned statements–even basic pieces–require consideration and our best practices. 

Fine Lines, Wrinkles and Age Spots

The wrinkles in Brian Williams’ story (stories?) have caused his six month suspension, and plenty of outrage on social media. Some on the left have said that his embellishments are less serious than the embellishments and lies that are regularly put forth by politicians and other news outlets.(I say, that’s no excuse.)  Of course, the story points to the iconic role of the American news anchor(man) on network broadcast news–a model that has weathered feminism (sort of), but not the information age.

Perhaps it’s a fine line between an embellishment and a lie, but it seems clear now, that if Williams was not even in the same helicopter that was under fire, his story constitutes a lie. The wrinkle for Williams is that his job is based on trust. The public depends on accurate reporting and truth. Mistakes happen, but knowingly reporting falsehoods is not a mistake. It’s just wrong.

The anchor is the person or thing that provides stability and confidence, particularly during uncertain situations. Jon Stewart, anchor of The Daily Show, has always maintained that he is a comedian/satirist (and has since added writer/director to his resume), but over the last 17 years, has become a real anchor. His faux news show has been more truthful, and taken more seriously, than many non-comedic news programs. His recent announcement that he will leave The Daily Show will undoubtedly be a wrinkle for Comedy Central, but the program, or whatever will replace it, will probably have an audience. He built trust and kept us informed and giggling through extremely uncertain, and often painful, times.

What is most revealing in these two stories that played out this week, practically back to back, is our profound need for an anchor. We may not necessarily need the 6:30 or 7:00 Nightly News, as our lives have changed so dramatically from the days when that was the news time. There have been many wrinkles for broadcast news that have rendered the past and current broadcasts beneath their tasks. The fine lines between news and entertainment continue to be injected with fillers. The comedians do a much finer job of treating wrinkles in the news stories. They may be entertaining first, but the intelligence and integrity are apparent, and engage us completely. It’s what the news programs used to do–anchor us.

Spotting the need for an anchor is one that we might not have thought about in previous  generations. Each age of television has had its anchors and standard bearers in news and entertainment. The broadcast news and late night talk shows have endured with their basic formatting for a few generations now. The Daily Show combined those formats and blended the faux news show with a talk show type interview (think Jack Parr) that has been must see tv or wherever for young and young at heart for about a generation and a half in tv years. It remains to be seen if the Daily Show will continue beyond Stewart, but his leaving has left so very many feeling adrift.

The age of The Daily Show has been one fraught with formerly unimaginable craziness and extreme everything–political,environmental, social, religious climate change. This, of course, has intersected with the internet age and the miracles of googling, wikipedia, youtube–all standard and in the palm of one’s hand–rendering network television news quaint, at best. At worst, well…..that’s what we have now.

What I noticed with the surprise and sadness this week, and the profound need for an anchor, is that despite the sense that many have that we are in a steady decline in practically every domain, we have not lost our sense of excellence. We want mensches–those who can discern the fine lines between embellishment and lying, and then be truthful. We can spot truthiness (thank you Stephen Colbert), and in this day and age, we need all the intelligence, rich vocabulary, critical thinking, challenging questions, compassion, integrity  and generosity that has been on display on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. These attributes are what anchor us.

So, while there may be some wrinkles to be smoothed out, we know that what’s true for the ages will keep us anchored. And laugh lines are beautiful.

Background Noise

I don’t remember giving THE TALK. I talked way too much for my kids (and my students). Ask my kids (biological or school related)….if I talked constantly. I was always talking about issues, right and wrong, behavior, respect, race, gender, sex, emergencies, dignity, acceptability, responsibility, apologizing, looking, listening, communicating, points of view,circumstances, choices, consequences, health, safety,community.

THE TALK used to mean ‘The Birds and the Bees”. Lately, THE TALK has been referenced with regard to racial profiling. Many parents of older kids or adult children have commented about having to give THE TALK to their non-caucasian children. Recently NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio commented that he had to “train” his son (who is biracial) to be very careful if encountered by a police officer.

I had always assumed that all parents, regardless of race, taught their children, regardless of race or gender, to be low key with the police. Teaching acceptable behaviors toward authority figures as well as from authority figures was part of the job of parenting and educating. 

Likewise, when those in positions of power abuse their circumstances, they need to be discussed and challenged . These are constant conversations. We must keep talking about right and wrong, personal responsibility, safety, and all the other non-sexy stuff that kids hate hearing about, even if they don’t want to talk about them.

The dual outrages of racism and sexual abuse that are far too frequent, must be talked about. How is there still so much confusion? THE TALK, must not only be these conversations, but must be connected to so many other issues.

All my talking and talking may have seemed like background noise to kids, but I am confident that they actually heard and got the messages. Noise essentially disrupts. We need to disrupt the complacency that is not only disempowering, but dangerous. These conversations are the background for creating clarity and justice and hopefully, safety.

Conversations about racial profiling, criminal behavior, abuse of power, sexual behavior, etc., are necessary before kids are 18. Considering different points of view and potential misperceptions are necessary for clarity, and for avoiding unintended consequences. We need to provide some cacophony for our kids, regardless of their backgrounds. They need to know how to be responsible to themselves and to others.

The young woman who is wearing sexy clothes is not asking to be raped, nor does she deserve to be raped. The young woman who is drunk is not asking to be raped, nor does she deserve to be raped. Certainly, the young woman who is passed out, who can’t ask for anything, does not deserve to be raped. We still need to tell our daughters and sons that this happens; that people take advantage in so many circumstances, even when they can get away with criminal behavior. We need to talk to all boys and girls, men and women. These are conversations for everyone, and should be part of everyone’s background.

It is not THE TALK. It is the environment of healthy agitation; of regular reminders and questions, pointers and examples to disrupt assumptions or matters that kids may not think matter to them.  They matter to all of us, and all children and adults need to practice thinking critically and being aware of consequences–even unintended consequences.

We all had some background noise from our parents and teachers. Some of us are noisier than others. If only certain talks are had at certain moments between certain people, we are all missing out, too often to dangerous results. A singular talk needs to become more pervasive, like background noise that we can all hear regularly.

Holding Pattern

We’ve been watching cops and robbers in black and white. “I can’t breathe” is the current verbal meme that expresses the equivalent of the arms up–don’t shoot–gesture.    The incidents in Ferguson and in Staten Island are tragic in so many ways, but even worse, they seem to present a pattern.

We have been stuck in a pattern of not only racial mistrust (on all sides) and mistrust of authority (in most institutions), but also a pattern of exaggeration and fear mongering, leading to even more over reaction. We are also stuck in a pattern of hatred and reflexive actions rather than reflective ones.

Some don’t see patterns, but merely behaviors. When it’s cops and robbers, some think that robbers deserve whatever they get by cops. It’s black and white, except when it’s about cops and robbers who are white and black. Then some don’t see cops and robbers; they just see race and a history of inequity.

Even these narratives are patterns. But something happened after the most recent Grand Jury decision not to indict a cop after he placed Eric Garner in a chokehold during an arrest, after which, Garner died. On the heels of the Ferguson Grand Jury decision not to indict Darren Wilson, the cop who fatally shot Michael Brown who was unarmed, the federal government is beginning to investigate patterns and procedures. We have been choking in our own fears and patterns, and it is as though we can’t breathe anymore.

It is possible to be pro law and order while seeking to break the pattern of extreme violence employed by police. Seeing black and white is also part of the problematic pattern that chokes us. Economic histories and patterns, racial histories and patterns, legal histories and patterns, even gender histories and patterns have actually produced a holding pattern–and we are being choked.

Police accountability would provide some oxygen. While many of us shudder at the idea of more cameras in everyday life, the notion of police cameras would at least potentially provide some more accountability. Of course, that doesn’t guarantee different legal analysis. There was a video in the Eric Garner arrest that clearly showed the choke hold and his gasping for air–for life. But, it seems to me that when one knows that one is being watched, behavior and patterns begin to change. Similarly, if every bullet that is fired by a police officer is documented in a data base, then not only is there obviously the opportunity for actual accountability, but  there is also the opportunity to analyze data and to re-examine how and when deadly force is used. 

We know that law enforcement patterns need altering, as do so many other aspects of our society and legal system. Our histories and patterns seem to have a hold on us, but we have also been choking ourselves–mostly from fear and our own inabilities to see ourselves as fractals or among the elements that comprise patterns–cracks, foams(bubbles), waves, spirals, tilings, and those elements created by symmetries of rotation and mirroring. Seeing our own selves among the elements of the societal and historical patterns allows us to get out of this holding pattern and consciously design better alternatives.

Week End

Executive Action on Immigration

GOP indignation

Bringing on the litigation

It’s Friday in the Greatest Nation

 

Prepare for violence

After Grand Jury silence

Following Ferguson defiance

That’s this week’s guidance

 

America’s Dad

They say he’s a cad

No response was bad

After all he had

 

In the Mid East nightmare:

Beheading by Isis– as per their dare

Israel mourned those killed in prayer

How much more can humanity bear?

 

I even feel sorry for Buffalo

Where I lived several years ago

Folks are used to a few feet of snow

But six feet at once is quite a blow

 

It seems like more than just a week gone by

Since I cried from lovely Madame Butterfly

But the daily news dramas keep the supply

Of disgust and anxiety at a constant high

 

Perhaps a museum will be this weekend’s tonic

Or an outdoor concert, ideally symphonic

A cultural escape from that which seems chronic

And ever present in this age electronic

 

 

Maybe the weekdays make us embrace

Those whom we love and that which we chase

On weekends time moves at a different pace

To restore ourselves and create more space

 

As next week’s news and dramas unfold

We’ll concern ourselves with what we are told

It will seem more important than that which is old

But what counts is what we do with that which we hold